Why Do We Change?
Why do we change?
Well, I guess we get to a point where we just can't take our own shit anymore right?
Well that is kind of how my brain operates, and yes, it's in my brain that this starts.
I have been getting a lot of feedback lately from women who are telling me that my voice resonates with them, it's been incredible hearing that, but why? Why does it resonate?
The story I have been stuck in lately is 'faking' it. That story of being something different than I thought I was supposed to be. SO much of me is in alignment and so much of me makes sense, but there are huge parts of me that simply don't.
Maybe that is what they mean about relating to my voice?
So what doesn't make sense for me right now?
It's this shedding of the persona of a traditional woman.
The traditional mother.
The traditional wife.
The quiet friend with no opinions.
For so long I have struggled with this and not even known what I was struggling with exactly.
I have always loved to love and to be a mom. Loved being with people and especially being with my girls.
Being a mother has been one of the things I am most proud of and one of the things I am best at. The kids probably have their own opinion on that, but in my heart I know I am good at it.
BUT, there are times I simply don't want to be in that role. Yep, I said it. I am sure there will be some of you who are mouths wide open at that admission, but there it is. Sometimes, I get too overwhelmed by it all, even know they are all self-sufficient. We all forget that we were "Cara" before we were "Mom".
My kids are perfection, really, I have nothing to complain about, but holy shit, sometimes that pressure is just too much and I want to run screaming for the hills.
And what I mean by that, is scream, rent a room in a fancy hotel, have 3 days alone, and then come back. I don't ever want to be gone from them forever, just for some time alone.
Where does change need to happen?
It needs to happen with me, me first. Me saying out-loud, "I am not feeling this right now, I need more help and I need some space for Cara aka Mom", I have been working on how to get this message across without losing my shit for a while now and I think that is the way to say it.
If I am feeling whole, they will have a much better mother, period. So the change, is to stop feeling f*cking guilty for this fact that I (we) need the real time for ourselves...we have spoiled the shit out the last couple generations of kids in what they feel entitled to and now, we, the feminine are suffering for it...time to stop. I can't think of a more loving way to honour my kids then to show them how to love themselves before anyone else!
I Don't Want To Be Someone's Wife
I know, I know...if you've followed me for any length of time, you might know I recently reconciled with my children's father. Well, I have come to realize that being a wife is not something I am built for. His friend said to him 20 something years ago, "Cara isn't the marrying type"...I was so offended by that statement, now I know why.
He triggered me because I knew he was right, even in my early 20's I knew he was right.
So why have I been married for 19 years? Why have I come back 2 times?
Because, he's amazing.
Because I love him.
Because we align in so many ways it's insane.
Because I find him attractive.
So why isn't it what I want?
Because it's not me to want it.
Because my heart and soul calls out to being just with me.
Because I haven't healed the part of me that thought another person would heal.
So where does that put me? Where do I go from here?
To be honest, I don't really know.
I know I am perfectly aligned with my mission and my brand, that has been the gift of the century.
This wondering and this pain and this uncertainty has lead me to being exactly who I was meant to be...a leader. A leader for women who are going through this too. A leader for women stuck in their masculine energy.
I have been on this 'trip' for years, and I have felt recently that I am climbing up a mountain with all of you, my sisters, at the bottom waiting patiently.
I look down once I get to the top and wave you up and say, "Ok, my sisters, I'm up, it's safe, you can come up now".
This is what this is all about I feel...it's still uncomfortable at times, but this is why we change.
If we're not growing, we are dying.
I am growing like crazy right now and as I have said before...
"Growth is pain and then it's freedom".
Please reach out if you need to talk.
I love you from the soul.